Monday, March 14, 2005
| My Name is Boombalatty. First name, Fatty. It seems that lately I’ve been packing on the pounds. I was at a birthday party on Friday night and one of my friends said “I love how his jaw (referring to a movie star) is so square and cut.” I responded with, “Well what about MY jaw?” My friend looked down and then to the left and said “No, like a square jaw”. I about shit myself with humiliation. I have had a defined jaw line for years. But now, my jaw line has become jowls filled with greasy, cheese pizza. I’m so on a diet. I only eat frozen yogurt now instead of ice cream and I’m not going to eat any candy before bed unless it’s totally sugar free and tastes like shit. The pizza I had for lunch today was purely out of necessity, since I left my fat free bologna sammich at home. I don’t want to be fat. I’m already gay…do I have to be fat too? This week I have plans to see an old fling of mine. He still has pretty hard-core feelings for me, so I try not to see him too often. But it’s been months and he’s been so patient about not seeing me, so…Friday it is! I’m sure I will behave myself, but the more important thing is…will he think I’m fat? What if I show up and he’s like “BOO DAMN! What you been eaten?!?” I have a boyfriend, but I still want every other guy on the planet to think I’m the cat’s pajamas. This is my test for Friday. If my fling doesn’t want me, I’m totally getting my stomach stapled. I also have to find a really hot outfit to wear. I find that the right clothes can cover up the wrong parts of one’s body. I really hope I don’t have to go out and buy some new clothes. That’s the sure fire way to figure out if you’ve gained too much weight. I guess the other way to find out is to go to the doctor. At my last physical he said that I gained 7 pounds since a year ago. That’s not a huge difference, but on me it is. My stomach is totally taking a nap on my desk. My name is Joe. And I’m a fat monster. |
